I read through my posts and it seems like it’s been a while
since I posted any funny stories. I will
lay off the hard stuff and write about something a little lighter, so here
goes. For the most part these days I
pretty much forget about what happened at work the night before then some time
down the road someone says something that causes you to chuckle, and people
think your coo coo for coco puffs.
Someone said something the other day and it reminded me of this funny
story.
A few years back I was working as an FTO (Field Training
Officer). That’s when you train a newbie
the ropes, teach them how to apply what they have learned in the academy in
kind of a walk before running environment so rookies don’t go out and get
killed their first week. In this case my
OIT (Officer In Training) was a veteran officer that had been terminated but
had been rehired by the agency. I
avoided getting involved in the why he got terminated however, I assume that
since he was hired back and given back pay for the time he was separated from
the agency it was one of those wrongful termination situations. Regardless he was a vet so it was more like
we were partners and I just had to write evaluations about his performance and
since he was a good cop it was easy.
One of our first nights we were out trolling around midnight
in a high crime area and a car flagged us down to tell us there was an
extremely drunk guy stumbling around nearly waking into the street. So we pull around the corner and just as
described is an intoxicated male subject.
He looks back at us as we approach then he takes off running, Or
stumble/running. My OIT had already
checked off on the radio that we were going to be out with the guy but we
didn’t feel a need to report he was running yet and get a bunch of cops flying
our way lights and sirens and since his motor skills were impaired, I was
pretty sure we could catch him. My OIT
speeds the car alongside then in front of him then up a drive way to pinch off
his path. I open the door and miss
hitting him with the door by inches.
Suspect turns and runs the opposite direction; I jump out and take off
running after him back towards the rear of the car. The car was still moving
when I jumped out so the car was nearly halfway passed me by the time I started
running. On about the third or second
and half step I failed to take into account the elevation change between the
sidewalk and the curb down the street.
Being more top heavy than normal with my vest and equipment I feel myself
falling forward. Picture Velma from Scooby Doo running with that forward lean
she had, but when she needed to her legs would speed up to that blurry speed
and she went faster. I desperately try
to peddle my legs faster to try to compensate, but no blurry speed for me, I
was already at a full sprint, at least for the two and half steps. No love, I feel it coming so rather than do
the superman slide I do the TJ Hooker tuck and roll, we call it the SWAT roll
too (vintage swat videos). My roll was
pretty successful, for the most part.
With the exception of thumping my melon mid way through, causing a flash
of white in my vision and possibly concussing myself it wasn’t too bad. I was back up and running without even
missing a step. My OIT was next to me by
now looking at me like Whisky Tango Foxtrot.
He had no idea why I chose to do a sweet tuck and roll in the middle of
the street for no apparent (to him) reason.
We round the corner together and apparently suspect failed
the TJ Hooker tuck and roll of his own and was getting up and we didn’t have
enough time to slow since the train was a movin, me at 250Lbs and my OIT at
least that it probably felt like freight train hit him. We start cuffing him up as a car is
approaching us. They roll down the
window and my OIT says “Keep moving, nothing to see here” Which is the typical
cop line and it’s fun to say just to say.
The man in the car says “I just want to make sure that Officer that fell
is OK”. I felt like I left my dignity back in the street where I did my SWAT
roll, but this confirmed it. I assure
them I am fine as we pick suspect up off the ground. He is spitting out dirt and grass as we
walk.
This was at the height of the “Four Locos” fiasco where
someone had a bright idea of mixing malt liquor and energy drinks. Normally they would pass out from being drunk
but now they were full of energy and ready to fight or do other stupid
things. So we are trying to ID this
kid. My OIT asks him his name but as he
is saying it he keeps spitting out dirt and grass making a “Spitzth”
sound. My OIT asks jokingly “Is that
spelled one Spitzth or two”. The OIT
asks his height with a heavy slur “I’m nine feet six inches” the suspect
says. I laugh and respond “Dude your are
not nine feet tall, you’re a Hispanic male and historically you are probably
going to be five feet four inches to five feet six inches tall” in the same
slurred speech “Fu#$ you, I’m nine feet six inches tall” After a few minutes of
mumbling he comes to the realization he is in fact five feet six inches
tall.
He starts complaining “You mother fu#$ers kicked my ass” I
laugh and tell him, “I am sorry but you got your ass kicked by Physics,
Primarily Newton’s first law and that a body in motion tends to stay in motion
and Pauli’s exclusion principal that two objects cannot occupy the same space
at the same time” He pauses, “well those mother fu$#ers Officer Newton and
Pauli kicked my ass then.” He is so
drunk in fact he has no idea what I am telling him and the fact that he was
arrested for being drunk on campus and assaulting a teacher at high school
leads me to believe he may not be the best student. In fact this little gem turned out to be a
genuine menace to society. He later (all
while still being a juvenile committed a string of armed robberies including
one where he forced the victim into the trunk of her own car and kidnapped her
then stole her belongings at knife point).
We took him home to his mother
with a coupon to return to court at a later day for being a minor consuming
alcohol.
Later we both laughed about my tuck and roll and how awesome
it wasn’t. But in reality as lame as I
looked, I would have looked way more lame if I just slid into home plate right there
in the street.
