Officers Newton and Pauli

I read through my posts and it seems like it’s been a while since I posted any funny stories.  I will lay off the hard stuff and write about something a little lighter, so here goes.  For the most part these days I pretty much forget about what happened at work the night before then some time down the road someone says something that causes you to chuckle, and people think your coo coo for coco puffs.  Someone said something the other day and it reminded me of this funny story. 

A few years back I was working as an FTO (Field Training Officer).  That’s when you train a newbie the ropes, teach them how to apply what they have learned in the academy in kind of a walk before running environment so rookies don’t go out and get killed their first week.  In this case my OIT (Officer In Training) was a veteran officer that had been terminated but had been rehired by the agency.  I avoided getting involved in the why he got terminated however, I assume that since he was hired back and given back pay for the time he was separated from the agency it was one of those wrongful termination situations.  Regardless he was a vet so it was more like we were partners and I just had to write evaluations about his performance and since he was a good cop it was easy. 

One of our first nights we were out trolling around midnight in a high crime area and a car flagged us down to tell us there was an extremely drunk guy stumbling around nearly waking into the street.  So we pull around the corner and just as described is an intoxicated male subject.  He looks back at us as we approach then he takes off running, Or stumble/running.  My OIT had already checked off on the radio that we were going to be out with the guy but we didn’t feel a need to report he was running yet and get a bunch of cops flying our way lights and sirens and since his motor skills were impaired, I was pretty sure we could catch him.  My OIT speeds the car alongside then in front of him then up a drive way to pinch off his path.  I open the door and miss hitting him with the door by inches.  Suspect turns and runs the opposite direction; I jump out and take off running after him back towards the rear of the car. The car was still moving when I jumped out so the car was nearly halfway passed me by the time I started running.  On about the third or second and half step I failed to take into account the elevation change between the sidewalk and the curb down the street.  Being more top heavy than normal with my vest and equipment I feel myself falling forward. Picture Velma from Scooby Doo running with that forward lean she had, but when she needed to her legs would speed up to that blurry speed and she went faster.  I desperately try to peddle my legs faster to try to compensate, but no blurry speed for me, I was already at a full sprint, at least for the two and half steps.  No love, I feel it coming so rather than do the superman slide I do the TJ Hooker tuck and roll, we call it the SWAT roll too (vintage swat videos).  My roll was pretty successful, for the most part.  With the exception of thumping my melon mid way through, causing a flash of white in my vision and possibly concussing myself it wasn’t too bad.  I was back up and running without even missing a step.  My OIT was next to me by now looking at me like Whisky Tango Foxtrot.  He had no idea why I chose to do a sweet tuck and roll in the middle of the street for no apparent (to him) reason.

We round the corner together and apparently suspect failed the TJ Hooker tuck and roll of his own and was getting up and we didn’t have enough time to slow since the train was a movin, me at 250Lbs and my OIT at least that it probably felt like freight train hit him.  We start cuffing him up as a car is approaching us.  They roll down the window and my OIT says “Keep moving, nothing to see here” Which is the typical cop line and it’s fun to say just to say.  The man in the car says “I just want to make sure that Officer that fell is OK”. I felt like I left my dignity back in the street where I did my SWAT roll, but this confirmed it.  I assure them I am fine as we pick suspect up off the ground.  He is spitting out dirt and grass as we walk. 

This was at the height of the “Four Locos” fiasco where someone had a bright idea of mixing malt liquor and energy drinks.  Normally they would pass out from being drunk but now they were full of energy and ready to fight or do other stupid things.  So we are trying to ID this kid.  My OIT asks him his name but as he is saying it he keeps spitting out dirt and grass making a “Spitzth” sound.  My OIT asks jokingly “Is that spelled one Spitzth or two”.  The OIT asks his height with a heavy slur “I’m nine feet six inches” the suspect says.  I laugh and respond “Dude your are not nine feet tall, you’re a Hispanic male and historically you are probably going to be five feet four inches to five feet six inches tall” in the same slurred speech “Fu#$ you, I’m nine feet six inches tall” After a few minutes of mumbling he comes to the realization he is in fact five feet six inches tall. 

He starts complaining “You mother fu#$ers kicked my ass” I laugh and tell him, “I am sorry but you got your ass kicked by Physics, Primarily Newton’s first law and that a body in motion tends to stay in motion and Pauli’s exclusion principal that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time” He pauses, “well those mother fu$#ers Officer Newton and Pauli kicked my ass then.”  He is so drunk in fact he has no idea what I am telling him and the fact that he was arrested for being drunk on campus and assaulting a teacher at high school leads me to believe he may not be the best student.  In fact this little gem turned out to be a genuine menace to society.  He later (all while still being a juvenile committed a string of armed robberies including one where he forced the victim into the trunk of her own car and kidnapped her then stole her belongings at knife point).   We took him home to his mother with a coupon to return to court at a later day for being a minor consuming alcohol. 

Later we both laughed about my tuck and roll and how awesome it wasn’t.  But in reality as lame as I looked, I would have looked way more lame if I just slid into home plate right there in the street.