So I get dispatched as a back up to a circle k where the clerk says that a transient was attempting to shoplift some chips and bean dip. However, he put the items back. The clerk just wants the subject trespassed. My buddy has contacted the subject behind the store. So I meet up with them out back. I am standing by with them as my buddy is trying to run the subjects name in the system to see if he matches the description on the ID, because he has no ID on his person.
After a few minutes of trying to run the name and coming up empty, he asks me to confirm his name. So I ask this guy to spell his name, he spells his first name and says his last name. I ask him to spell his last name for me. He is either too drunk and or stupid to realize that he not spelling his first name and not his last. Over and over he spells his first name and says his last. He is getting frustrated and his drunk friend is getting frustrated because he understands I am trying to get his friend to spell his last name he can’t get it. So the drunk buddy tells my subject, “this cop is being cool, your f-d up man, spell your last name”. By this time dude is getting bent out of shape and I am soooo frustrated I tell him if he can’t spell his name I have to take him to jail to get him mugged and printed to ID him. He starts getting more mad so I give him one more chance to spell his last name. No way, he spells his first name.
As we are talking to him I see that he has brown scuff marks on his shoes. I ask him if he pooped himself. He spells his first name. So I ask him again if he has pooped his pants. Now, he is still fixated on his name. So he spells his first name again. By this time I am at my frustration level so I let my buddy take over. However, just before I do I tell him that if he did crap his pants I wasn’t taking him to jail. His drunk buddy says “$hit your pants man, he won’t take you to jail”. I chuckle and give him a smile and tell him, “it's true, you’re not ridding in my car with poopie pants”. It was like a light bulb went off in his head. He quit spelling his name and you could see the stress build on his face as he was actually attempting to poop his pants to avoid going to jail. I was cracking up watching him try to poop his pants. I tell him “Last chance to spell you last name or poop you pants which ever happens first” I can see the disappointment on his face he can’t poop his pants. I tell him “OK, you get one more chance to spell your LAST name” and I say his last name, “So take special care to make sure you understand exactly what it is that I want you to do. Just your LAST NAME”. So he pauses, he starts to speak “no, no, no, don’t talk yet, I want just your last name” He replies, “just my last name”. He proceeds to spell his FIRST NAME!!!!. That’s it, I grab him by the wrist and escort him to the back of the patrol car to search him before we take him down to jail to mug and print him.
At this point two other officers who are assigned to the beat that this call originated at showed up. At this point I am searching the right side of the guy while My buddy is searching the left. I run my hands down his leg to his ankle and lift up his pant leg exposing his skin and dirty socks. I realize that his leg is crusted with dried diarrhea and his socks are full of brown chowder. By now I have disturbed the poop residue and the tangy sweet/sour smell of diarrhea is making me gag as I stand back upright. “What is wrong with you, why didn’t you tell me you had already crapped yourself”. By now he has a massive case of “Jailitis” (that’s what we call it when people fake sick to avoid going to jail). He starts faking a seizure and making grunting noises and rolling around back of the patrol car. One of the officers that had arrived says “Oh that’s Bankeity blank” and gives the name of the subject and proceeds to tell us it was very hard to find in the system because his ID is out of a different state. Sweet, now that we have him ID’d we don’t need to put his stinky butt into my car.
We released him and sent him on his way and added him to the trespass log. Well he was arrested two weeks later for going back to the same circle K making it trespassing. Amazingly he was still crusted in diarrhea and running the poopie pants kit. I was so stoked that I put gloves on before I searched him. That is why I keep three pairs of latex gloves on my person when I’m on duty. You never know when you have to search Mr. Poopie pants.