Monday, July 25, 2011

TLD Gloves

As you can imagine being a cop I get to carry lots of cool gadgets on my batman belt, on my person and in my car.  Things like a taser, gun (okay, more than one), neato flashlight, weapon light, baton, handcuffs, AR15 rifle, bullet proof vest just to name a few.  But when it comes down to it my favorite tool I carry is a pair of Troy Lee Design gloves.  Now these are not just any gloves.  Sampson in the Bible had his hair, my gloves are my power.  I put them on when I need to overcome the forces of evil.  The most amazing thing happens when I ware the gloves; everyone listens to me and obeys me.  Somehow, I have tapped into the magical powers these gloves possess.  I haven’t figured out how or why they work so well or if they only work for me, and I don’t care as long as they work for me, I’m OK with it.

The gloves look like normally motorcycle gloves with the exception of a carbon fiber shield going across the knuckles.  Now I have to admit that the carbon fiber shield on the knuckles is where most of the mystical power lays.  Normally carbon fiber is a material that is lighter than steel and just as strong, not to mention looks super neato, but this carbon fiber on these gloves is special.  As soon as I put on my gloves everybody listens attentively.  

The first night I found out about the magical powers was when I arrested a huge mammoth of a man for DUI.  It was his third DUI and he was likely to get prison time for his crime and he was not very friendly.  I did my best to keep him calm.  He was wearing an Iron Maiden concert shirt (from the Killers tour, excellent) so we talked music for a bit I told him how I had seen “Maiden” back in the day and they ROCKED live, I even gave the metal horns (you know, forefinger and pinky up, middle and ring finger down with the thumb crossing over the middle and ring finger, you know the international sign for rockin it metal style) as I told him how the 10 foot tall Eddy came out on stage and fireworks went off as they played “Run to the hills”.   “On a scale of one to awesome that is killer bro!” was his response.

So he was pretty cool till we got to the jail.  Then I guess it sunk in that he was located in unsanitary tributary without locomotion (up poop creek without a paddle).  As I helped dislodge him from the back of the car, seriously he was 6’4” 340 lbs, and it was a major squeeze to get him back there.  He was very verbally abusive and started trying to pull away and bump back into me to push me into stuff as we made our way through the corridors.  He told me he was going to “kick my ass” as soon as the cuffs came off.   I sat him on the bench; I pulled my magical gloves from my left cargo pocket.  It was like they were glowing, his eyes got bigger as I put them on.  The other dude on the bench looked at the gloves, them me, then the big boy then he looked away like he didn’t want to see what was coming.  I put the gloves on slowly, making sure they were snagged up.  I punched my each fist into the other hand to try out the fit.  As I was putting them on I told him the following.  “I am going to take off the cuffs to process you for DUI and this could go one of two ways.  The easy way, for all involved or the hard way, the choice is yours.  His eyes were staring at my gloves as he said “I’m cool, I won’t do nothin”.  To which I replied, “Excellent, that makes it easier on all of us” as I gave him a sly smile.  He did in fact stay cool.

The gloves have become a ritual for me as I talk people from the precipice of getting a beating to a calm submissive state.  The conversation usually goes something like this.  “F-you cop, I aint going to jail.”  In most cases I put on the magic gloves before I get there so I check the fit of my gloves and tell them.  “This can go a couple of ways here, the best way is with you putting your hands behind your back (or sitting there being cool, depending on the situation) or with me kneeling on the back of your head and you spitting out blood as I cuff you up.   I get paid the same either way.”  Now those words said with those gloves  is like mustard on a hot dog, it always works. 

My gloves have a couple of mended tears in them.  The mends I did myself, so I don’t disturb the mystical powers.  As you can imagine, I am no seamstress so the mends look like Frankenstein scars, but I think that adds character to them.  I am about ready for a new pair and you can bet that I will get another pair of TLD APEX gloves, the best gloves a cop could ever ware.  I just hope the next ones have the same magical carbon fiber.

No comments:

Post a Comment